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<title>mono. A Journey of Life, Love and Self-Acceptance in Seven Chapters by Jolteon564</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23755072">mono. A Journey of Life, Love and Self-Acceptance in Seven Chapters</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jolteon564/pseuds/Jolteon564'>Jolteon564</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Inspired by RM's playlist mono. (2018), Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>But he gets better in the end, But he'll get through it, Gen, Get ur tissues ready fellas, God bless Namjoon for making this playlist, Our boy is going through a lotta tough stuff, The main protag is a sad boi™, This is gonna be one hell of a ride</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 16:47:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,053</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23755072</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jolteon564/pseuds/Jolteon564</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A lonely, homesick young songwriter and rapper learns how to love himself and realizes that home can be right where you are if you look close enough.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. tokyo</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sounds of the city were just white noise to him.</p><p>Tokyo was a nice city, but it just wasn’t like home. He had traveled here to see if he could find creative inspiration for his songs, and as a creature of the city, he had grown used to living here. But now, as the sound of a train passing by from a nearby train station reached his ears, that familiar feeling began to creep over him again.</p><p>Homesickness and loneliness had become companions to him, but those feelings did nothing to fill the hollow void inside him. He wanted to cry, but the tears refused to come. Sometimes, the ache got so bad that he couldn’t sleep. He’d lie awake in bed, wishing the pain would leave him forever.</p><p>But it never did.</p><p>It was just another morning in Tokyo for him.</p><p>Another day in his meaningless life.</p><p> </p><p>He decided to take a walk through a cherry blossom grove, hoping to get his mind off his current state.</p><p>The pink blooms looked so delicate in the sunlight, and he watched them sway in the gentle breeze as he jotted down ideas for lyrics in his notebook from under a tree. Around him, the city pulsed with activity, and the grove was a quiet place for him to think, the eye of the hurricane.</p><p>A rose-colored petal drifted down to land on his knee.</p><p>So small.</p><p>He knew that the beautiful blossoms would soon wither away to be replaced with the new leaves of spring. Death was inevitable, it seemed.</p><p>Ashes to ashes, dust to dust.</p><p>Words flashed through his mind briefly, and he quickly scribbled them down in his notebook before he could forget.</p><p>
  <em> Life is a word that sometimes you cannot say, and ash is a thing that someday we should all be.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. seoul</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Attention: The Asiana flight traveling to Incheon Airport will be departing in five minutes.”</p><p>He was just another face in the crowd of people. Another soul headed to Seoul.</p><p>Even though it wasn’t his hometown, it felt like home to him.</p><p>
  <em>Seoul, Seoul… </em>
</p><p>The name sang in his veins, pulsed throughout his being.</p><p><em>Why do you sound like soul?</em> He thought as he made his way to board the plane. <em>What kind of soul is it that you have? </em></p><p> </p><p>He placed his baggage in one of the compartments above his seat and made himself comfortable. As soon as he was settling in, he heard a voice.</p><p>“Excuse me, is this seat taken?” A young woman was gesturing to the empty seat next to him. He shook his head.</p><p>“No. You can sit here if you want.”</p><p>“Thank you, sir.” She smiled gratefully at him as she prepared to load the compartment with her luggage.</p><p>“Need help with that?”</p><p>“Oh, sure. Thanks again.” There was that smile again, and he thought of smiling back, but decided against it. “We’ve got a long flight ahead of us, so why don’t we chat? It’ll help pass the time.” She rested her cheek in her palm, turning to look at him.</p><p>“So, what brings you here?”</p><p>“I’m traveling to Seoul.”</p><p>“Well, obviously,” the woman replied with a playful scoff. “What for?”</p><p>“It’s… like a second home to me.”</p><p>“Where were you born? I was born in Seoul, so it’ll be nice to be home again.” She sighed happily. “I was in Tokyo for a business trip.”</p><p>“I was born in Ilsan, but I’m going back to Seoul to visit my mother.”</p><p>“That’s nice.”</p><p>The conversation was light, only a few sentences exchanged between the two before fading into peaceful silence. And as the sun began to slip under the horizon, he gazed out the window, chin resting in his palm.</p><p>Seoul was just a moment away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The female character introduced here isn't a love interest for our hero, but she will play an important part in this story. Stay tuned...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. moonchild</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It sure felt good to be back in Seoul after so long.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took in a deep breath of familiar air and sighed. His relationship with the city was a sort of love-hate relationship, as he had plenty of positive and negative moments during his stay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His mother had nearly smothered him in a crushing bearhug when he showed up at her doorstep. He had to admit, he missed her sweet kisses and gentle laughter.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’ve gotten so thin, you should be eating more!” his mother fretted, poking a finger into his tummy. “Aigoo, I can almost see your ribs!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve been eating well, eomma. You don’t have to worry,” he replied. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Aish, sometimes she can be a bit too overprotective. Oh well. That’s what moms are for. </span>
  </em>
  <span>He loved his eomma, even if she could get on his nerves sometimes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moon was ripe and full that night. One of the things he enjoyed was looking at the moon, with all its craters and pockmarks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> An object of beauty despite its flaws. An object of beauty to wax lyrical about.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wished he could love himself the way the moon did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wondered if anyone else was looking at the moon.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“The stars look so bright out, hyung,” the younger boy commented. The two were sitting on a hill in the park, watching the sky.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Yeah, the moon does too,” the elder responded. “There’s beauty in everything, even when you least expect it.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>There was silence for a while. Two hearts beating in the stillness of the night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We’re born in the moonlight,” the elder murmured. “Sometimes you can’t live in the sunlight, so you just hide your pain and let the moonlight wash it away.” The younger was silent, but soon silence gave way to quiet sobs. “Oh, baby,” the elder cooed, reaching an arm around his companion’s shoulder. “What’s got you down?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“It’s- it’s just your words,” the younger whispered, barely audible. “Hiding the pain, hyung. I don’t think I’ll be able to hide it any longer.” He paused to wipe his nose with his sleeve. “It’s so dark…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“We need the scenery, the night, more than anybody,” the elder soothed. “It’s OK to shed the tears, but don’t tear yourself. Moonchild, don’t cry. When moon rise, it’s your time.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Wh-what do you mean?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Hold on to hope and find light within you, just like the light of the moon.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hold on to hope and find light within you, just like the light of the moon.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Those words had always resounded with him long after he had spoken them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moon still reigned over its nocturnal domain, a serene beacon of glowing ivory.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Those would make great song lyrics.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He picked up his notebook and pen and began to write.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. badbye</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh, I remember you. You’re the guy I sat next to on the plane. The songwriter guy, right? I didn’t catch your name.”</p><p>It was the girl from before. She was an unfamiliar presence, but somehow just seeing her put his turbulent mind at ease. </p><p>“Oh, hello. I was just on the way to the music store. Care to join me?”</p><p>“Sure. I’m currently not heading anywhere, but I’ve got time.” She fell into step next to him.</p><p>“I didn’t catch your name,” the young woman repeated. “Is there anything I can call you?”</p><p>“I don’t really go by anything, but you can come up with something,” he replied. </p><p>“Sounds good. So, why are you headed to the music store in the first place?”</p><p>“Been going there since I was small. Consider it my safe haven.” The girl hummed in agreement, and they continued to walk in a comfortable silence.</p><p>“I… I wrote a song last night,” he finally said. “I forgot to tell you, I’m also a rapper.”</p><p>“Oh, what’s it called?”</p><p>“It’s a work in progress, but I’m thinking about calling it something like ‘moonchild.’ Dedicated to a friend of mine back at home.”</p><p>“Have you seen them lately?”</p><p>“No, I haven’t spoken to him in years. We sort of drifted apart.”</p><p>“Ah, I see. Oh, we’ve arrived at the music store. Maybe you can show some of the people there your lyrics.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe so.”</p><p> </p><p>The empty ache that he thought had subsided when he reached Seoul had returned with a vengeance. </p><p>But this time, he welcomed it with open arms.</p><p>The tears that had refused to fall now welled in his eyes, and he let them fall.</p><p>He didn’t understand why it was back. Seoul was like a second home to him, so why was he suffering?</p><p>The pain was so bad he wanted to die.</p><p>
  <em> Kill me, kill me softly… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kill me, kill me softly… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kill me, kill me softly… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Have me be scattered as fragments… </em>
</p><p>His tormented brain repeated that thought like a mantra. He would give anything, <em> anything, </em>to be free of this pain.</p><p>
  <em> Kill me, kill me softly… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kill me, kill me softly… </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Kill me…</em>
</p><p>
  <em> Don’t say goodbye, cuz it’s a lie. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Bad badbye, no goodbye. </em>
</p><p>He finally fell into the merciful clutches of sleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. uhgood</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Solitude.</p><p>That’s all he ever wanted.</p><p>Staying holed up in his room, only coming out to eat or do other things had become the norm for him for the past few weeks. At night, he’d listen to the sounds of the city or watch the moon going through its cycle of waning and waxing, waxing and waning.</p><p>For him, a cycle of despair.</p><p>He wondered if that cycle would ever break.</p><p> </p><p>“Sweetie, someone wants to visit you.”</p><p>It was his mother.</p><p>“Tell them I don’t want company.”</p><p>“But she really wants to talk to you. You’ve been cooped up in your room, you’ve barely eaten anything, you’re wasting away. Please, just let her come in.”</p><p>
  <em> Her?</em>
</p><p>"All right, she can come in. But make it quick."</p><p>The door slowly creaked open, and a familiar face peeked in.</p><p>
  <em> Her. The girl on the plane. </em>
</p><p>“Hey, I heard that you kinda weren’t feeling well, so I decided to drop in and say hi.”</p><p>His heart ached at the sound of her voice, but he didn’t know why.</p><p>“Why so gloomy?” She sat down on the bed next to him. “C’mon. I know we’ve only known each other for a short time, but I’m kinda worried about you. Can you tell me what’s going on?”</p><p><em> Tell her, </em> a little voice in his head whispered. And he did, the words tumbling out of him in a rush. He told her everything about his homesickness and loneliness, about the intense pain he’d been feeling, about his insomnia, about everything. And she listened to every single word.</p><p>When he finished, there were tears shining in her eyes.</p><p>“I… I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling this way.” She squeezed his hand, and he didn’t object. “There was a time when I felt like this too. Like I berated myself. Criticized myself. But I was able to get over it. I told myself, ‘All I need is me.’ I told myself if there was a bridge, I could cross it and find my true self on the other side.” She smiled hopefully at him. “Even in the desert, rain can fall.”</p><p>His deep, haunted brown eyes met her gentle ones. And for the first time, he felt as if he understood. </p><p>
  <em> To be out of place, it hurts so much. If you don’t experience it, it cannot be known. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> But I still want to cross those two bridges to reach myself. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> To the real me. </em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. everythingoes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was as if a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Her words still resonated deep inside him. He found himself spending more and more time with her, and they grew close. The pain had lessened a little, much to his relief.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But something still remained.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“Hey there, bud, hangin’ in there all right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He looked up from his seat in the local cat cafe to see the young woman smiling down at him. He didn’t smile back, but he felt a little fluttering in his chest at the sight of her familiar, comforting face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was his rock, the one who kept him safe in this world filled with pain.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was also holding a fluffy white kitten.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Isn’t he adorable? His name is Jooheon.” The kitten in question let out a small mew at the sound of his name being heard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The corners of his mouth twitched, as if he were about to smile, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. But his reply of “Yeah, he is pretty cute” was sincere. Stroking his fingers through Jooheon’s soft fur gave him some comfort as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have a surprise for you,” the woman grinned, bouncing on her heels. “He should be here any second now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart leapt. </span>
  <em>
    <span>He?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your friend that you lost contact with… He’s from Daegu, right?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“R-right.” </span>
  <em>
    <span>My-my friend’s coming? After so long?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a soft chiming sound from the young woman’s pocket, and she pulled out her phone after setting the kitten down onto the floor. She looked at her screen, then turned to him with a smile. “He just texted me saying he’s here!” She grabbed him by the arm, leading him to the entrance of the cafe.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The door opened, and there he was.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friend, who he hadn’t spoken to in ages.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friend, who he wrote a song especially for.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His moonchild.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey hyung, did you miss me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Those words were all it took for him to break down entirely. Enveloping his friend in a huge bearhug, he buried his head in the other’s shoulder and cried his heart out. And the younger held him there, rubbed his back as he wept, whispered soft words of comfort.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t want to let him go ever again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your lady friend told me everything, hyung,” the younger boy murmured, brushing some stray tears away with a gentle swipe of his thumb. “I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through all this. I should’ve been there for you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His heart swelled near to bursting with undying love and devotion for him. “I never should’ve let you go.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His friend shushed him gently with a soft kiss on the cheek. “I missed you too, baby. But if there’s one thing that’s stuck with me, it’s something from you.” They looked at each other, soft brown eyes meeting chocolate orbs brimming with tears. “It all passes some day, for sure. Certainly. Your pain will disappear if you just let it pass, like I did.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Those words… I used them in the rough draft of a song I was writing…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know. You’re gonna be just fine. Things’ll get better, I promise.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>They stayed in that cafe for a long time, just the three of them along with the countless cats that inhabited the place. Catching up on old news, learning about recent news.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they finally felt it was time to part ways, they all left with a new sense of hope in their hearts.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The moon was hiding behind a cloud. Hiding its face to the world.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Could it be that the moon was hiding its pain, like I was?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>But I learned something about pain.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>It will pass. Nothing in life lasts forever, but the pain will pass.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Outside, it was starting to rain.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. forever rain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The sounds of the city were like a lullaby to him.</p><p>Seoul, his second home, pulsed with life, even amidst the gentle rainfall. It had been raining since last night, and it looked like it wasn’t going to let up soon.</p><p>But somehow the rain brought comfort to him.</p><p> </p><p>He was in the park, leaning on a bench near the river, watching the people rush by, huddled under their umbrellas. He hadn’t brought one with him.</p><p>Life could go by too fast, and sometimes the songs he wrote went by too fast as well, so he decided to take it easy today, to breathe a little slower.</p><p>
  <em> Slow rap, slow jam, slow rain, everything slow. </em>
</p><p>He caught a glimpse of his reflection in a puddle. Ripples in the puddle from falling raindrops distorted the reflection. Raindrops falling like tears.</p><p>As he tipped his face towards the falling droplets, letting them bathe him in their solitude, he felt something.</p><p>For the first time, he felt at peace with the world.</p><p>With himself.</p><p>The rain continued to fall, but somehow, he felt as if it was melting away his pain.</p><p>And for the first time in years, he smiled softly amidst the falling rain.</p><p>“What are you doing out here? You’re gonna catch your death if you stay out in the rain for too long, you know that?”</p><p>And there she was, sheltered from the rain by her umbrella, making her way towards him. “C’mon, you’re soaked to the bone. You need to dry off somewhere.”</p><p>“I know, but it just feels… so <em> right.” </em> He sighed. “Whenever it rains, I always like to take walks in the park and reflect. And now, I feel like a new person.”</p><p>She laughed, playfully punching his arm. “C’mon, rain boy, let’s go home. Then you can dry off. Don’t come crying to me if you end up with a monster cold.”</p><p>And as he joined her under the umbrella, a warm, new feeling began to spread throughout his being.</p><p>A feeling that he had a friend.</p><p> </p><p>The rain continued to blanket the city in its gentle tears.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He had written several songs based on his past experiences. A playlist, he called it, not a mixtape. Some of them were from rough drafts he hadn’t touched in years, others he had written in less than the span of an hour. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He dedicated the song ‘moonchild’ to his dearest friend, the one who had believed in him the most.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another song, ‘uhgood,’ in honor of the woman who helped him realize that all he needed was himself, his rock, his shoulder to cry on.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was ‘seoul,’ an ode to his second home, and there was ‘tokyo,’ inspired by his travels there. ‘Badbye’ chronicled the years of pain he suffered, and ‘everythingoes’ counteracted the pain, reassuring him that it will pass someday.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And it did.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘Forever rain’ held a special place in his heart. On rainy days during the times when his loneliness seemed to hurt him the most, the rain was like a friend to him, hiding his tears from the world. But he didn’t need to hide his tears anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He had the courage to face his demons and learn to love himself. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
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